That one question I keep asking myself

I am on an emotional carousel sometimes. Up & down, around & around.

I see so many jerks who have girlfriends when I'm hanging out with my friends. The girls are usually pretty good looking while the guys are either very attractive or very plain. They said crude things to impress their friends and act uninterested in the girl they are there with. This frustrates me when I witness it, mostly because the girl puts up with it but also because I am single. Not that I want a jerk for a boyfriend but when I see people who in no way deserve a romantic relationship with one, it makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me.Why am I still single?

I answer this with the following responses, I don't put myself out there enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm too fat, all the usual negative self talk I have. I wonder how much of this I make up in my head and how much of it is self fulfilling prophecy. I go back and forth about whether I want to be in a relationship or not. I don't really have time a serious relationship needs to grow and I enjoy my freedom as someone not attached. I do get lonely and from time to time I want to go on a date but have no one to be my other half. That's when the negative self talk comes to the surface, crushing my self esteem and making me second guess every life choice I have made in the resent future.

This is when learning contentment is hard. Not so much looking at what you don't have and desiring it, but knowing you will have it one day and at that time it be something you do not want.