That one question I keep asking myself

I am on an emotional carousel sometimes. Up & down, around & around.

I see so many jerks who have girlfriends when I'm hanging out with my friends. The girls are usually pretty good looking while the guys are either very attractive or very plain. They said crude things to impress their friends and act uninterested in the girl they are there with. This frustrates me when I witness it, mostly because the girl puts up with it but also because I am single. Not that I want a jerk for a boyfriend but when I see people who in no way deserve a romantic relationship with one, it makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me.Why am I still single?

I answer this with the following responses, I don't put myself out there enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm too fat, all the usual negative self talk I have. I wonder how much of this I make up in my head and how much of it is self fulfilling prophecy. I go back and forth about whether I want to be in a relationship or not. I don't really have time a serious relationship needs to grow and I enjoy my freedom as someone not attached. I do get lonely and from time to time I want to go on a date but have no one to be my other half. That's when the negative self talk comes to the surface, crushing my self esteem and making me second guess every life choice I have made in the resent future.

This is when learning contentment is hard. Not so much looking at what you don't have and desiring it, but knowing you will have it one day and at that time it be something you do not want.

Obligatory Post about New Year's Resolutions

I'm not really resolving to do anything this year. I'm making plans to travel more when I have time, pay down some debt, and in general be a healthier person but no list of things I plan to change. I feel if I hadn't made the plan to change my mind by now, I'm probably not going to change whatever habit I wish leave in 2013.

One thing I do every year is a cleanse of some kind. At the beginning of the year my church has a fast, A Solemn Assembly. It is during this week that we fast from TV, the evening meal, and spend more time getting to know Christ. The idea is to seek after God, get closer to Him, and start the year as you intent to spend it, putting your relationship with God first. In the past I have fasted from all matter of things:  solid food, TV, the internet (before Facebook), all social media (after Facebook), video games, worldly music, and  a few things I've forgotten. I usually decide on something I feel takes up too much of my time as of late. This year is no different and though I have cut back severally on my social media consumption, I still feel like I spend too much time doing no profit things. Some of these things would be any amount of time spent on Reddit, Tumblr, and Steam.

Before you vote me off the fangirl island, think about what you get in return for the time you spend on these websites. I might learn a few facts, feel like I'm part of group who "gets it", but usually I have no return on my time investment. I'm no closer to finishing any of the novels stuck in my head, no new creative ideas have formed, and no relationships have been fostered. This week, I'll be off those sites in an attempt to set myself up to use my time more wisely this year. I hope to have an outline of at least one of my novels by year's end if not more.

In addition to this, and fasting from TV consumption, cause I hardly watch TV on a TV anymore, I've taken up the 30 Day No Sugar Challenge. I was shocked to learned, after noticing how tight my clothes had gotten, that over the last six months I'd gained twenty pounds. I wasn't surprised because I'd picked up my bad fast food habit again before The Holidays started. In order to finally get back into some kind of shape, I joined a gym and decided to do this challenge. There aren't too many rules, but the ones I've set for myself go as follow:
1. Nothing with sugar as one of the first three ingredients
2. No sweets (So no dessert but fruit is okay)
3. Only one fast food meal a week
4. Only one dining meal a week
5. No alcohol

2014, let's get this thing going.