Just never need medial help, okay?

Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash

The day I've been dreading for three weeks has come. I finally got my bills from my trip to the ER. To say they are overwhelming is an understatement. I rarely go to the doctor. I don't say that as a claim of toughness or lack of faith in medicine. When I was much younger I went to the doctor constantly. I was diagnosed with an abnormal growth condition when I was kid and had to go to the doctor regularly to have it monitored. I wasn't limited in activities or had dietary restrictions because of this condition, I was just at the doctor regularly until late high school. It was at this time my doctor determined my growth as a child was mostly over and whatever growth that remained would happen at a normal rate. I was cleared to discontinue regular monitoring and free to visit the doctor just whenever I felt it was necessary. I took this as a sign that I was basically physically an adult and didn't have much to worry about when it came to my health. So far this has essentially been correct.

I avoid going to the doctor now because it cost me so much money. This started around the time I graduated from college and didn't have insurance, or a job, so going to the doctor cost me a great deal of money. Well, a great deal in percentage when compared with my income was then. Oddly enough, the bills now are close to the same percentage as then. It's just now, theoretically anyway, I should be able to afford them. I don't know any working class person who can casually be handed a bill close to $3000 and can just pay it on the spot.

When I looked into the billing, it looks like my insurance hasn't really pay anything on the bill. I don't know why I'm paying for insurance if it's not being used to pay anything on my medical bills. And mentally dealing with this is threatening to undo all the work I've done over the past three weeks dealing with my anxiety and depression. Talking with my therapist has done so much good for helping me cope. I don't want to talk to her about this as it's embarrassing to be reminded of what happened that day. And it's embarrassing to think that all the work I've done can be so easily undone. I'd almost forgotten about all the sadness, anger, and embarrassment I felt that day. It feels like an enormous weight as been dropped on me. Something I'm supposed to be able to carry despite everything else I'm already carrying.  In addition to having to hold the burden of being black, being a woman, knowing my government don't care about me and is actively trying to kill me, having crushing student loan debt (and all the mental stress that adds to a person. You can pretend it doesn't, but I can tell you it definitely does) and on top of all that having a plus sized body, I'm supposed to be able to handle the sudden financial responsibility of the equivalence of a cheap used car? How, Sway?

I never thought about suicide before as an actual method of  escape. To be clear, I'm not thinking about it now. I've never respected it as a choice before now. I couldn't see how someone could feel so helpless and overwhelmed that they would actually give real thought to just ending their life. Not just because I believe life to be precious, but also because you can never take that choice back. There is no way to make another decision after you've made that choice. There is no way to just say, "You know what? Being dead isn't any better. Can I have my life back, please?"  But now, I can see how it might seem like a viable option for someone. How the hopelessness is not only overwhelming but endless. How it feels like there is no other option to put a stop to it. How, given the choice to live like this or not, one can feel it is the only way.

I hope to never be in that place. I hope I can be honest enough with myself to tell someone when I feel this way and they help pull me back from that edge. That they widen my perspective, remind me of my strength and my brilliance. That I remember all of the characteristics I embody and know I can handle this burden in addition to others I am carrying. That I remember and know everything I need to continue is already inside me.