Missing Reading

Photo by iam Se7en on Unsplash

I didn't realized how much I miss reading until I did it this week. As a way of helping my mind quiet itself and not spiral into negative thoughts, my therapist suggest doing something that would fully engage my mind. It was only after she suggested read that I realized I haven't really read a book in years. I've listened to audiobooks and often suggest people listen them to read if they are short on time. But sitting down and reading a book, without guilt is something I haven't done in years. It started in graduate school, the guilt associated with reading for pleasure. At the time I didn't really have enough time in a day to complete all the school work I was given, work a job, feed myself, and sleep. In my case, I cut a lot of things out of my life so I could finish school with a sane mind. One of those things was doing anything for pleasure. I didn't watch tv, read, write, or make art unless it was for school. This probably wasn't the healthiest choice but it allowed me to managed my time so I was most successful academically.

Now, nearly a decade later, I still have guilt associated with doing things I enjoy. I hadn't thought about why I was so anxious when I would go to the movies, or to happy hour with friends, or just take a Saturday morning to admire how the sun reflected off the wall of my bedroom. It wasn't until my panic attack I thought about getting to the root of why I felt guilt when doing these things. Part of it was because of the perception of how we should spend time and what we believe time to be worth. I would say as a working class person, the idea of me using time in a pleasurable way is thought of as wasteful. If I'm not taking the time to make money or get thinner or more beautiful or acquire more things, the time is wasted and I should feel guilty and shameful about it. I've never subscribed to this ideal before grad school and still don't now, but I wasn't aware I'd internalized it anyway. Now that I'm aware of this harmful thinking I can work to undo it.

One way I work against this harmful thinking, that I must always be striving toward a goal that isn't mine or constantly engaged in the zeitgeist is to meditate on a quote I read a few weeks ago. Annie Dillard said, "Spend the afternoon, you can't take it with you." So much wisdom in such word economy. The idea of taking an afternoon to spend it however you like so that you're happy, healed, and whole isn't something we teach in America. Thinking about how to pass on this understanding- that your time is yours and not someone else's, that not all ideas in your head are your own and you should question how they got there- is something that's been occupying my mind of late. I still struggle with guilt about reading or sleeping in but it's to a much lesser degree than it has been in years. I remind myself when I start to feel the pulling dread of guilt that it's misplaced and shouldn't be here. That's she is allowed to be in some places but not here, not attached to this joyful action. Usually she goes away. Sometimes she doesn't. I'm still working on were she should go other than were she had been. As of right now, I won't allow her to stay here cause I've got some reading to do.